Now that cocktail hour has become the most important time of the day, and drinking possibly second to importance of our major indoor sports, it is not only perfectly natural but also the most earnest desire of lounge frequenters to acquaint themselves with the proper accepted lounge etiquette. These rules as set forth have been prepared after careful study of the mein and deportment of patrons in the better cocktail lounges and bars throughout the country, and after close observation of all classes in all stages of intoxication.
On entering, in case of a gentleman, do not fail to stare long and hard at every unattached female in the place; she is enjoying her drink and the cool calm atmosphere of the place, so your calculating, cataloging stares will be a most welcome interlude; and there is always the possibility that she might be on the make and also the possibility that her boy friend might be close by with every chance of precipitating a first class war.
On seating yourself at the bar ask for a highball. There are many different kinds of highballs and the bartender is a mind reader. So, if he gives you a whiskey and soda, watch him mix the drink, have it set in front of you, then say angrily: "I want ginger ale." . . . Never lay your money on the bar or have it ready when the drink is served, that precludes the possibility of one of "I did pay you", or "You did not pay." Always remind the bartender to "put some liquor in it." He is working for the house and is under strict rules and strict observation so he will not mind jeopardizing his job by giving you fifty cents worth of liquor for a quarter.
Be sure to ask the bartender his name, age, nationality; where he was born, where he has worked, and how long in the business. He will appreciate the personal touch, and the information is absolutely essential to good service and good drinks. If the bartender is busy at the end of the bar, slap loudly with your hands or hammer the polished surface with a coin or glass; better still, whistle or call to him: "Hey you", "Hey, Bartender."
Don't be backward, assert your presence. If you are smoking a cigarette never place the lighted stub in the ash tray, place it on the edge of the bar, the management admires your wood burning efforts; and by all means any cigarette ashes dropped on the bar should be blown away immediately. It will fall in ice and fruit on the bartender's work bench and add greatly to future drinks. After you have purchased and consumed your first drink speak up loudly: "When does the house buy a drink?" You're probably in the grocery business and give away a dozen eggs with every dozen purchased and there is no good reason why the liquor business should not be conducted in the same way.
Complain to the bartender that the drinks he made are not as good as the drinks you had last night from another bartender. He is probably laboring under the impression that he is "tops" in his profession and will welcome the disillusionment. Then it is a very good idea to copy some drink recipes or better yet, memorize several drinks that no one ever heard of except the individual who prepared them, or the book, then order one of these concoctions; of course the bartender never heard of it and you will have the opportunity of adding to his embarrassment with "You're a hell of a bartender."
Order a bowl of potato chips, pretzels, peanuts, popcorn, or whatever is served in lieu of a free lunch, then dip in so deep as to scatter it all over the bar, and when the supply is exhausted wait until the bartender is busy, then loudly and clearly call for "More potato chips down here." Insist on the bartender listening to you views on politics, the war, sit down strikes, job hunters, or your own family troubles. Never lose track of the fact that the price you pay for your drinks entitles you not only to rapid and first class service and a palatable drink, but it is your privilege to occupy the bartender's time and demand his undivided attention to your latest story, secure hi views on the current events and sporting news, and after the fifth drink acquaint him with your intimate personal and business affairs. Bartenders are engaged not only for mechanical ability but for their worldly knowledge, understanding and sympathy.
Tell your dirty stories and execute your four letter words loudly enough for everyone in the vicinity to hear. "What Lady or Gentleman does not appreciate a good joke [?]" And if some misguided individual should take exception to the general trend of your stump speech report him to the bartender.
When you have your tonnage, stagger up to the bar and loudly order a drink, disregarding the bartender's interest in your welfare evidenced by his daring to suggest that you might have had enough, assert your rights: "Who in the hell are you to tell me I've had enough? Give me a drink." Insist on injecting your dynamic and liquor personality upon some stranger or party at the bar. Then, when you are the receiver of a first class punch in the nose demand that the bartender protect you or call the police.
When ordering, gruffly and importantly demand to see the bottle from which your liquor was poured. You don't know one from another anyway but it lends a worldly air and those deft touches help the bartender put in his time.
"For the Ladies": Permit a gentleman, a perfect stranger, to spend his money buying you drinks, knowing all the time just where the campaign is leading, and then when the big bad wolf, thinking you are sufficiently mellow, suggests the most natural thing in the world; create a disturbance and make it good. "What do you take me for?" or "What do you think I am? You can't say those things to me and get away with it."
Don't evidence your appreciation for the cheerful service, the tasty drinks, the fact that the bartender has been a patient stooge for your drunken whims and caprices and the recipient of you abuse by leaving a tip. Bartenders have notoriously weak hearts and the shock might be fatal to him.
By following the above rules carefully one has the Open Season to any Cocktail Bar.
Printed through the courtesy of Victor McLaglen's Rendezvous, San Clemente, Calif.
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